Confessions on Freedom Summer

Hello lovies, I know I have been kind of MIA lately. Sorry! But, here I am again! =]

 

This post is meant to update you all on my freedom summer through confessions.

1.

I confess….I have been having some hard core ED thoughts.

BUT

I confess….I have been combating ED with my rational thoughts.

 

2.

I confess…..I am deathly afraid of gaining weight.

BUT

I confess…I no longer pay attention to the scale. I am not a number. I do have strong urges to weight myself. But, I will NOT. It will do no good.

I am not a munber

3.

I confess…..I have not been following my meal plan as well as I should.

BUT

I confess….I have been trying new foods and adding more variety to my diet. I also went to dinner at a pizza restaurant and ate there! I got a spinach salad with walnuts, FETA, tomatoes, and chicken! I ate mostly the whole thing except some walnuts. When it came the chicken was hot and had made the cheese all melty. This scared the crap out of me ,but I ENJOYED the hot melty yummy cheese. I realized there is nothing wrong with this healthy and nutritious salad!

 

4.

I confess….I still follow some ED rules.

BUT

I confess….I have been breaking rules! Sure I feel guilty…but it is positive guilt! For example I used to eat only at certain times even if I was starving. I have now loosened up this rule =]

ed quotee

5.

I confess…I am so nervous to go back to college. Even though it is a different school I am still scared that I will not make friends, make connections, and go back to my old ways. I do not want to leave the comfort of my own home. I do not want to go back to what I know as college (a horrible miserable experience).

BUT

I confess….I am excited to try something new.  I hope to meet other girls like me. I hope to make good friends and join some clubs. I hope to meet some cute boys. I hope that I can find comfort and happiness.

 

6.

I confess….I still have a way to go in recovery. In terms of food, thought, exercise, and listening to my body.

BUT

I confess…I have come a long way since the beginning of the summer. I am a strong determined girl. I am not going to let ED ruin my college experience. He will not keep me from making friends, going out, and living life. ED is slowly becoming my divorced EX boyfriend whom I plan on never going back to.

ed quote 3

I leave for school this friday . As you can tell I have a lot of mixed emotions toward my leaving. I have made a list of what I need to pack , but nothing has been packed. I am stressing about everything. Especially food. But I am going to try and be positive and relax and enjoy life.

quotee

LiveLaughLoveHope

-Hayls

 

If you need to talk I am here for you guys! I am just an email away!

 

Advertisements

Currently

Hi lovlies I will share my life as of now with you!

I was tagged by the lovely Audrey to do this!

Current Book:

I love to read usually….but I have been slacking on this. I started a book at the begging of the summer when I went to vacation ,but I have not picked it up since. I have been reading ‘Life without ED”. My counselor recommended this for my recovery. I am loving it so far.

Image

Current Music

I am loving country right now. Hunter Hayes is defiantly one of my favs right now. I am also still lovely “Demons” by Imagine Dragons. Me and my best friend also found a new artist that is kinda smilier to Justin Bieber. His name is Cody Simpson….anyways I love one of his songs “Pretty Brown Eyes”. As you can see my music taste is all over the place. A lot of it depends on my mood and what I am doing.

Image

What a little cutie!

Current Guilty Pleasures:

Pretzel M&M’s

Image

sooo good!

Current Nails color:

I have been trying to keep my nils nice this summer. I went through a phase where I totally just did not paint them at all. As you can see I am not doing to great of a job keeping them “nice” but at least they are painted. I love pastel colors on my nails.

Image

Current Drink:

I drink Green Tea every morning.

I am also loving  Zevia and KeVita!

zeviakevita

Current food:

If you follow me on IG you see my favorite foods! But I will show you a few!

Protein Pancakes:

ppankess

Sweet Dinners:

sweet potaop

Night snack attack:

mug cake proyo

 

 

Current TV show:

I am loving Teen wolf and Twisted!!

Both the main male characters from both shows are supper cute! =]

twitsed

 

 

Current Wish list:

Brooks Pureflow 2: I tried these on in the store and they were amazingly comfy!

brooks

 

Also any new workout clothes!! Especially Lululemon!

lulu

 

 

Current Needs:

I am writing this right after I ran my half marathon…so a hot tub would be really nice right now. This would be sweet ……!!!

hot tun

But I also need a hair cut. I just need a trim….the ends are getting gross. A manicure/pedicure (my feet are nasty from running) would also be amazing! I love the little hand and foot massages you get!

Current Indulgence: 

My nightly snack age of Proyo, mug cake, banana, and caramel syrup! (See pic above)

Current Blessing:

My family has been amazingly supportive of me though all these tough times the past year and a half.  They have supported my recovery as well as my new found love for running. And I also  could not live without my my BFFL, Olivia!

me and liv

 

Current Outfit:

My kitty PJ pants and a nice big t-shirt! Comfort over style….always!

Current Excitement:

Finishing my first half marathon! A time of 1:26:14…I was the 1st place women and 4th overall!

half marathin

Also, hopefully running for my college team!!

 

Questions:

Do you relate to any of these?

Answer any of them that you would like!

 

LiveLaughLoveHope

-Hayls

 

 

 

Update: Freedom Summer

Can you guys believe it is already July 31st!! What has the world come to? I feel like summer went by wayyyy to fast. The last update I posted I talked about this and how it was scaring me how fast the summer is going by. I was feeling pressure to recover faster. And to get to a certain point. I was also struggling with choosing a new school to go to this fall. Well, since then I feel like I have made GREAT progress. I have challenged my self in many ways in recovery and I have figured out where I will be attending school! 

Let’s start with school. I have decided to stay close to home and attend a smallish school (9,000). I also have decided to contact the cross country and track coach! I have for sure found a love for running. At the beginning of the summer I was feeling pressure from my dad to join a running team at the school I choose to attend. But, now it is for me. I LOVE to run. I have to still try out still but I am excited! I have also been in contact with a few of my suite mates and so far I am happy with them! 

Now, onto ED recovery. The past few weeks have been very good. I stop calorie counting for about 5 days in a row and then I started it up again =/. On my fitness pal I go over the allotted amount but I do not care. I am eating to fuel my body. So right now I do not see calorie counting as bad. It is helping me actually see how much I need to eat to fuel my body and holding me accountable. Yes, in the future I need to stop the calorie counting but for now I am not going to stress about it. There have been many fear foods conquered in the past few weeks. Last weekend me and my best friend took a road trip to the city to visit my cousin, shop, and go to a lacrosse game. Let me tell you, I was so nervous for this trip. ED was going out of control thinking about what food I was going to eat, what food I was going to pack, and how I was going to exercise. I was not going to let this stop me from having a fun girls weekend. One of the highlights of the trip was having FROYO for the first time in forever. I WANTED to do this. No one pressured me into it. Of course when I was waiting in line for my froyo (it was not self serve) I (actually ED) was thinking to myself..”whats the lowest calorie” “What is the healthiest” “blah blah blah”? I was tempted to get the kiddie size by ED but I went with the small chocolate with fresh fruit. I ATE IT ALL! Screw you ED! It was a amazing and I was so proud of myself. I also challenge myself with a store bought sandwich on the way home with full fat cheese and normal every day whole wheat bread (aka not sandwich thins). I realized that this was perfectly fine thing to eat. It was healthy, filling, and nutritious! I have also gotten better at just eating when I am hungry. If I am hungry and hour after lunch so be it. I will have a little snack. I feel like all this is happening at the right time (right before I head off the school). 

Of course there are still things I am struggling with. And everyday is not a good challenge or recovery day. I am also still struggling with exercise and rest days. But now that I might be running in College I feel pressure to make sure I stay in shape so that I am at my best when I try out. I am thinking of emailing the coach and asking him what I should be doing to prepare for the season. But, I am taking a rest day from running and I am doing some sort of cross training. Sure it is not much but it is better than nothing. I am progressing. That is all the counts. 

Image

 

LiveLaughLoveHope

-Hayls