Is it just me or is the summer flying by? It makes me so sad to think that it is already July! It makes me nervous to know that the summer can not last forever and I have to face reality. At the end of the summer I have to make a very important decision….where am I going to transfer to for college? I have two choices. One is a safe zone that is just two hours away from my home and the other is halfway across the country. It is scary for me to have to think about this. I do not want to end up making to wrong decision again.
I am also sad that the summer is flying by because that means less time for my recovery to happen at home. By the end of the summer I have a vision of where I want to be with my recovery. I am scared that I do not have enough time. I am scared that I will disappoint myself. How far I come with my recovery over the summer will ultimately decide where I go to school. And that should not be that way. I should choose a school that I will be happy at and where I think I will succeed the most. Unfortunately that school is the one that is far away. I am scared to leave the closeness of my home and go into out into the world. As I have been going to counseling I have found that what I struggle with besides ED is that I feel as if I am not good enough. I feel as though I do not fit in. That is where my ED came from. With ED I was not alone. I always had him to turn to if people rejected me.
I have met with my nutritionist once and recived a meal plan. It is not to different than what I am doing now but there are more fats and bigger servings. I am trying to to turn to my fitness pal to track my calories but I fins myself having to check at night at the end of the day. My ultimate goal is to cut out all numbers including my weight (I got rid of my scale), calories, and the amount of calories I burn while exercising. I have started not wearing my HRM on runs as well as my ipod. It is such a freeing feeling to just run.
I am making progress I believe. But I still have a long way to go. I am going to continue fighting hard with strength and determination.
I hope you all are doing okay. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to ask.