Wow, I though this summer was going to be a relaxing one where I would have tons of free time but man was I wrong! I am so busy with my job, working out, going to counseling, and finding time for friends and family that I feel like I have been so MIA on here lately. I am sorry for this. I am going to try and be better about blogging! I really want to get into to it! Anyways, has most of you know I have named this summer Freedom Summer. For those of you that have not read my few posts about this go back a few posts and you will find them.
I have been going to counseling now for about 3 weeks or so and I am loving it. I love the way my counselor approaches recovery and eating disorders. We do not just talk about my ED but also other aspects of my life. I have found that there are a lot of other things in my life that I am struggling with. For example, not believing I am good enough, relationships, boys, choosing where to go to college next semester, over exercising, etc. I find that all there are intertwined with my ED. In order to reach recovery I need to fox these other struggles first. My last appointment with my counselor my mommy and daddy came along. This was a HUGE deal to me. I was so scared for it to happen but it NEEDED to. They dod not understand my ED or really anything about it at all. They had no idea how to deal with it. They had no idea what triggers me. They were just clueless. And in order for me to reach recovery they needed to understand this stuff. Of course it was only one appointment so they still have a lot to understand and figure out but I can already tel that it has helped. They now know how to talk to me about my ED and what to say or not say. I am hoping that they are able to come to another appointment again. I just wish that my brother would be able to come to one, but unfortunately he can not because of work. So I am hoping that my parents can talk to him about it.
I am going to see a nutritionist on Tuesday! I am so so so excited! I know that a meal plan will really help me. I need scientific evidence and a hard copy to fight against ED. I know that I will be seeing a professional so what they say and tell me to do I will believe. Of course I am scared to death. I know that ED is going to want to fight against it and tell me what HE thinks is right. I know that I will be uncomfortable but it NEEDS to happen. I am willing to and wanting to go through this. I want to be FREE.
This past couple days I have been having urges to challenge myself. I have gotten thoughts about going out to a restaurant with friends and family. I have gotten the urge to get an ice cream cone at McDonalds. I have gotten the urge to want to CHANGE. I really want to challenge myself. I know I need to start doing this. I will do it in baby steps but that is all it takes. Speaking of challenges….yesterday my boss at work brought me a smoothie because it was my birthday. It was right after I had just had my morning snack. I was so scared when she handed it to me. It was a large strawberry banana smoothie. All I could think of was all the calories (the banana, the milk, the SUGAR). But, there was a part of me that just wanted to sip and enjoy it. I have not had a smoothie that I have not made in so long. I knew that at this point in my recovery I was not ready to take on this whole challenge. But I took a baby step and had a few sips. I savored it in my mouth and felt proud of myself. I hardly had any, but hey it is better than nothing. I call this a small success in my book.
Anyways, I will continue to keep you guys updated on my Freedom Summer. I will try and post more and let you guys know about my recovery. I hope you all are enjoying your summers! I am always here for you if you need to talk!