Update: Freedom Summer

Hello lovelies! This is an update on my Freedom Summer (one post back if you missed it)

I have been seeing my counselor two times a week and I am loving it. My counselor suggested I read a book called “Life Without ED“. I have started it ,but I am taking it slow and I am really going to read deep into it. There are times when I feel like I do not need to be seeing a counselor two times a week or even at all but I know that is just ED taking over my thoughts. There are also times when I think that I am getting better and making progress. Then all of a sudden something triggers me and I break down. It is funny how I can have 2-3 days where I am doing good then in a blink of an eye that all changes. On some days I go back a forth between good and bad. When I say “good” I mean I am listening to myself and not ED. I am listening to my body. When I say ‘bad” that means that I am having awful thoughts. My mind is taken over by ED and I do not listen to my body or hunger cues. 

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A “bad” incident happened a few days ago that really tore me down. With my ED I am very possessive about the food I eat. I hate it when my brother or dad eats my food. I get anxious and mad. I have these special diet ice cream bars that I eat on occasion in the the freezer. I had just finished my dinner and I was sitting on the couch in my living room with my brother and dad. My dad decided to go get one of my ice cream bars and eat it. I said “dad those are mine please do not eat it.” And he responded with “why cant you share”? And then my brother joined in with my dad and they basically gained up against me. They started laughing at me and made me feel embarrassed an awful about myself. I broke down and started crying. They clearly do not understand what I am going through. It makes me mad that the people that should support you the most (family) are the ones that seem to be the worst critics. I ended up taking the car and driving to a local hiking trail and meeting my best friend there. I opened up to her and told her my whole story of my ED and the incident that happened. She was awesome. She just listened and was not judgmental. I am glad to know that I can also go to her not matter what my problems are. My counselor and I talked about having my whole family come in to one of my appointments so that they can actually see how much I am struggling. I have mentioned it to my mom but I am scared to talk to my brother and dad about it. I can not trust them to take what I say seriously. I am afraid of being judged and laughed at again. 

A “good” incident that recently happened was when I was hanging with some guy friends. We had just seen a movie and they were hungry so we went to a local pizza place. I walked in knowing that I would never eat there, but something inside me was saying it is okay just have some pizza. I unfortunately could not get a piece because I was getting my blood drawn the next day and had to fast. Even if I did not eat any pizza just having a positive though about it was a step in the right direction. I also listened to my body today when I was at the gym. Instead of doing my planned 30 minute HIIT after a full body workout I just did a 10 minute HIIT. I did not feel like crap after I did this. I was so happy with myself for listening to my body and treating it right. 

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The workout I did when I listened to my body!

Tonight my family is having two other families over for dinner. My mom made sure to make food that I would kind of be comfortable eating ,but food that other people would also enjoy. I hope to not worry about what I am eating tonight and just enjoy the company and good food that my mom made all day. This is a challenge that I am going to take on. I am going to start to challenge myself more so that I get out of my comfort zone more. It is what needs to happen in order for ED to disappear. I know it is going to be hard and there will be ups and downs but I am willing to take them on head first. I am determined to change this summer and enjoy the rest of my life. 

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Thanks for reading. I will keep more post coming. 

LiveLaughLoveHopeFreedom

-Hayls

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24 thoughts on “Update: Freedom Summer

  1. Sometimes people, especially males I have found, make comments because they just don’t understand. The first time I really told my bf about my ED( not just said I had issues) was when we were getting ready to go to a party and I was feeling so bad about myself that I didnt want to go and was super stressing. He asked what was wrong and I just burst out crying and trying to explain to him how I felt. I thought he would think I was crazy, but he actually listened and asked how he could help and was really sensitive about it. I’ve found people react better than you think, they just need someone to explain and be honest. Good luck!

  2. I loved “life wihout ED” such a good book!! I had my parents and husband read it too and it helped them understand me a LITTLE bit better. I know exactly how it feels to get possessive over food! I work as a nanny and sometimes the kids want MY food! I always make up excuses. Ha, i always tell them its spicy… Anyway, it sounds like you are having some positive thoughts. Keep it up 🙂

  3. So happy that you’re improving girly! ❤ I know what you mean about your special foods. I have skinny cow caramel ice cream bars and I hate it when people eat them! So glad that your best friend understands. That's fantastic! Listening to your body and cutting down on cardio is AWESOME. I didn't get to do cardio at all when I was in recovery. Keep listening girly ❤

  4. I’m sorry about your dad and brother. I was the same way with my food- extremely possessive. I still am to an extent but I’ve gotten better. I didn’t think I needed to see a counselor and I didn’t even notice progress while I was there but looking back at how much I’ve changed, you are doing the right thing. I’m glad things are mostly going well for you! I do encourage you to push that comfort zone- eat something you wouldn’t normally eat- like eggs instead of egg whites. Little changes make a big difference mentally with little change physically!

  5. It’s really disappointing when family isn’t supportive. I’m glad you’re improving. 🙂 You’re owning this summer!

  6. I swear, reading your blog is literally like reading straight from my journal last year. I know exactly, exactly, exactly what you’re going through and all I can tell you is to keep going. Don’t give up on this journey because it’s SO worth it to find freedom and I know you can.
    Having those fleeting moments of positive thinking are proof that your heading in the right direction. Now it’s just a matter of freeing yourself from that burden completely. Whether or not the thoughts are good, stressing over food and exercise is exhausting. I mean, who wants to spend their entire life like that. Not me!
    It sounds like you’ve found an amazing counselor, by the way. Stay strong, girly. ❤

  7. It is seriously so crazy how similar our lives are… I am possessive about the special items in my diet. Although I love when my family asks me to let them try some of my healthy foods, I can’t stand when they take them without asking. But I am so proud of you for all of the progress you are making. Stay strong girl, this will all get better in no time.

  8. First of all, this was a really good post, in so many ways. I’m really happy to hear that you’re working on challenging yourself, and looking at whatever positives you can. It’s so easy to get weighed down with all the things that are negative or that you aren’t doing right, but it’s so important in the recovery process to view each good moment and decision as a HUGE victory. The “small things” really are huge for those with ED, so good for you!

    I also want to say, in response to what happened with your family, it’s probably more so because they don’t understand it. I don’t think your brother or dad would intentionally do something that would hurt you/upset you. My guess is that they have no idea what EDs are really all about and therefore they are essentially clueless. It took A LONG time for my family to really, really understand it. And honestly, they still don’t fully get it…and realistically, they never really will. But the more you open up to them, the more you talk to them and educate them on what you’re feeling and what you’re dealing with, the better it will be for you. I know it can be hard, but it will definitely make things easier for you. I definitely encourage you to have a few family sessions with your therapist and your mom, dad, and brother. They will definitely gain a lot of insight and it may be a better environment to do so, instead of you going out of your way at home to bring up the topic and talk about things with them.

    Keep positive girl, and keep your chin up!!

  9. I’m sorry you’re struggling so much, you really put on a good front! I honestly had no idea & I really respect you for opening up to everyone & putting yourself out there. It sucks that family can be so cruel to you, especially when you really need their support! I can’t completely relate to what you’re going through, but my best friend had an ED & I’ve learned a TON from her & am thinking of working with helping people recover from EDs when I eventually become an RD. 😉 Keep on keepin’ on girl, you’ll get there, you got this!!

  10. I have been battling the same issues for so long girl! I have also been seeing a therapist for many years. Some weeks are really great and high points for me and then others are my lowest points ever. I keep thinking “when am I going to feel better?” but it is all a roller coaster we have to learn along the way, but it does get better. I know exactly what you mean about having good and bad moments. I am the same exact way with food and my weight. It is hard to find a medium with being comfortable with yourself but don’t ever feel alone or that you have to deal with anything yourself! Talking to someone is a great start, and I’m glad your liking it! We are all here for you and understand what your’e going through. Stay strong girl!!!!

  11. “Life without ED” is an amazing MUST read. She has a second book as well that you should read after! I’ve read almost everything out there on the subject and this book is my favorite! Congrats on your progress – you’ve overcome HUGE obstacles to be in the mindset that you are now. Xoxo.

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