Hello lovelies! This is an update on my Freedom Summer (one post back if you missed it)
I have been seeing my counselor two times a week and I am loving it. My counselor suggested I read a book called “Life Without ED“. I have started it ,but I am taking it slow and I am really going to read deep into it. There are times when I feel like I do not need to be seeing a counselor two times a week or even at all but I know that is just ED taking over my thoughts. There are also times when I think that I am getting better and making progress. Then all of a sudden something triggers me and I break down. It is funny how I can have 2-3 days where I am doing good then in a blink of an eye that all changes. On some days I go back a forth between good and bad. When I say “good” I mean I am listening to myself and not ED. I am listening to my body. When I say ‘bad” that means that I am having awful thoughts. My mind is taken over by ED and I do not listen to my body or hunger cues.
A “bad” incident happened a few days ago that really tore me down. With my ED I am very possessive about the food I eat. I hate it when my brother or dad eats my food. I get anxious and mad. I have these special diet ice cream bars that I eat on occasion in the the freezer. I had just finished my dinner and I was sitting on the couch in my living room with my brother and dad. My dad decided to go get one of my ice cream bars and eat it. I said “dad those are mine please do not eat it.” And he responded with “why cant you share”? And then my brother joined in with my dad and they basically gained up against me. They started laughing at me and made me feel embarrassed an awful about myself. I broke down and started crying. They clearly do not understand what I am going through. It makes me mad that the people that should support you the most (family) are the ones that seem to be the worst critics. I ended up taking the car and driving to a local hiking trail and meeting my best friend there. I opened up to her and told her my whole story of my ED and the incident that happened. She was awesome. She just listened and was not judgmental. I am glad to know that I can also go to her not matter what my problems are. My counselor and I talked about having my whole family come in to one of my appointments so that they can actually see how much I am struggling. I have mentioned it to my mom but I am scared to talk to my brother and dad about it. I can not trust them to take what I say seriously. I am afraid of being judged and laughed at again.
A “good” incident that recently happened was when I was hanging with some guy friends. We had just seen a movie and they were hungry so we went to a local pizza place. I walked in knowing that I would never eat there, but something inside me was saying it is okay just have some pizza. I unfortunately could not get a piece because I was getting my blood drawn the next day and had to fast. Even if I did not eat any pizza just having a positive though about it was a step in the right direction. I also listened to my body today when I was at the gym. Instead of doing my planned 30 minute HIIT after a full body workout I just did a 10 minute HIIT. I did not feel like crap after I did this. I was so happy with myself for listening to my body and treating it right.
Tonight my family is having two other families over for dinner. My mom made sure to make food that I would kind of be comfortable eating ,but food that other people would also enjoy. I hope to not worry about what I am eating tonight and just enjoy the company and good food that my mom made all day. This is a challenge that I am going to take on. I am going to start to challenge myself more so that I get out of my comfort zone more. It is what needs to happen in order for ED to disappear. I know it is going to be hard and there will be ups and downs but I am willing to take them on head first. I am determined to change this summer and enjoy the rest of my life.
Thanks for reading. I will keep more post coming.