Happy Sunday loves! I hope your weekends have been fabulous! It is almost summer time!
If you have been reading my blog you will know that I have been struggling with eating and exercising. If you missed it just go back a few posts. I have started seeing a counselor that focuses on ED. Going to counseling is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. It makes me realize how over taken my mind is by ED related thoughts. I have had two appointments so far and I have balled in both. It is such an emotional roller coaster for me. I guess I though I was not so bad, so now I am finally realizing that it is way worse than I thought. I am also realizing I have other issues that I am dealing with besides eating and exercising. Among them is friends, guys, and relationships. Some of these issues string back to when I was in middle school. I have been holding these issues in for so long. I love the counselor I am seeing. I am very comfortable with her and share everything with her. I am not afraid to open up and tell her exactly how I feel. She has shown me how much I am actually struggling and that there is hope for change. I am also planning on seeing a nutritionist who will give me a meal plan to follow. I am so nervous for this but I know it needs to happen. I am ready to break free of this madness inside my head.
Coming home this summer has been the best thing in the world. But, people that have not seen me in a while will say things like “you have gotten very thin”. I have heard these awful words to many times in the past week. To me this would be the equivalent of someone saying to a person with out ED ” you have gotten fat”. It just makes me feel like crap. I know I am thin and I am trying to change it thank you very much! I feel like people are treating me differently. I hate it. When people hug me I feel like they are trying to be gentle, like if they squeeze to hard I will break. I wish people would not judge me. I wish people knew who much I am actually suffering. I have only shared with a few of my really close friends that I have an ED. And endless someone has experienced an ED they still can not fully understand. But, I have been trying not to let people get to me. They just probably don’t know how to handle the situation.
I am so glad that I have finally gone to counseling. This is just one small step into a life of freedom. It will be a hard long journey but I am willing to take it. My life will no longer be defined by my ED. I want this summer to be fun and worry free. I want to be able to go out to dinner with friends and enjoy myself. I will be keeping updates on this throughout the summer. I am naming this summer: The summer of freedom.
Thanks for reading and understanding. If you want to talk about anything I am here for you. I know I am not the only one who struggles. Opening up with issues is the first step to recovering.