In a bowl microwave for 5 min but half way through take out a stir (watch out for overflowing):
1/2 cups of oats
1 tsp chia seeds
2/3 cup of water
1/3 cup of almond milk
2 egg whites
Microwave for 2 minutes but take out at 1 min and stir
Then make the the PB by mixing 1 TBSP of PB2 with water till to the correct consistency. Make then jelly but microwaving frozen raspberries then mashing them up into a jelly. Then top your oats with the toppings and enjoy!! I also added a little cinnamon to my oats because I love cinnamon!
Wow, I though this summer was going to be a relaxing one where I would have tons of free time but man was I wrong! I am so busy with my job, working out, going to counseling, and finding time for friends and family that I feel like I have been so MIA on here lately. I am sorry for this. I am going to try and be better about blogging! I really want to get into to it! Anyways, has most of you know I have named this summer Freedom Summer. For those of you that have not read my few posts about this go back a few posts and you will find them.
I have been going to counseling now for about 3 weeks or so and I am loving it. I love the way my counselor approaches recovery and eating disorders. We do not just talk about my ED but also other aspects of my life. I have found that there are a lot of other things in my life that I am struggling with. For example, not believing I am good enough, relationships, boys, choosing where to go to college next semester, over exercising, etc. I find that all there are intertwined with my ED. In order to reach recovery I need to fox these other struggles first. My last appointment with my counselor my mommy and daddy came along. This was a HUGE deal to me. I was so scared for it to happen but it NEEDED to. They dod not understand my ED or really anything about it at all. They had no idea how to deal with it. They had no idea what triggers me. They were just clueless. And in order for me to reach recovery they needed to understand this stuff. Of course it was only one appointment so they still have a lot to understand and figure out but I can already tel that it has helped. They now know how to talk to me about my ED and what to say or not say. I am hoping that they are able to come to another appointment again. I just wish that my brother would be able to come to one, but unfortunately he can not because of work. So I am hoping that my parents can talk to him about it.
I am going to see a nutritionist on Tuesday! I am so so so excited! I know that a meal plan will really help me. I need scientific evidence and a hard copy to fight against ED. I know that I will be seeing a professional so what they say and tell me to do I will believe. Of course I am scared to death. I know that ED is going to want to fight against it and tell me what HE thinks is right. I know that I will be uncomfortable but it NEEDS to happen. I am willing to and wanting to go through this. I want to be FREE.
This past couple days I have been having urges to challenge myself. I have gotten thoughts about going out to a restaurant with friends and family. I have gotten the urge to get an ice cream cone at McDonalds. I have gotten the urge to want to CHANGE. I really want to challenge myself. I know I need to start doing this. I will do it in baby steps but that is all it takes. Speaking of challenges….yesterday my boss at work brought me a smoothie because it was my birthday. It was right after I had just had my morning snack. I was so scared when she handed it to me. It was a large strawberry banana smoothie. All I could think of was all the calories (the banana, the milk, the SUGAR). But, there was a part of me that just wanted to sip and enjoy it. I have not had a smoothie that I have not made in so long. I knew that at this point in my recovery I was not ready to take on this whole challenge. But I took a baby step and had a few sips. I savored it in my mouth and felt proud of myself. I hardly had any, but hey it is better than nothing. I call this a small success in my book.
Anyways, I will continue to keep you guys updated on my Freedom Summer. I will try and post more and let you guys know about my recovery. I hope you all are enjoying your summers! I am always here for you if you need to talk!
Hello lovelies! This is an update on my Freedom Summer (one post back if you missed it)
I have been seeing my counselor two times a week and I am loving it. My counselor suggested I read a book called “Life Without ED“. I have started it ,but I am taking it slow and I am really going to read deep into it. There are times when I feel like I do not need to be seeing a counselor two times a week or even at all but I know that is just ED taking over my thoughts. There are also times when I think that I am getting better and making progress. Then all of a sudden something triggers me and I break down. It is funny how I can have 2-3 days where I am doing good then in a blink of an eye that all changes. On some days I go back a forth between good and bad. When I say “good” I mean I am listening to myself and not ED. I am listening to my body. When I say ‘bad” that means that I am having awful thoughts. My mind is taken over by ED and I do not listen to my body or hunger cues.
A “bad” incident happened a few days ago that really tore me down. With my ED I am very possessive about the food I eat. I hate it when my brother or dad eats my food. I get anxious and mad. I have these special diet ice cream bars that I eat on occasion in the the freezer. I had just finished my dinner and I was sitting on the couch in my living room with my brother and dad. My dad decided to go get one of my ice cream bars and eat it. I said “dad those are mine please do not eat it.” And he responded with “why cant you share”? And then my brother joined in with my dad and they basically gained up against me. They started laughing at me and made me feel embarrassed an awful about myself. I broke down and started crying. They clearly do not understand what I am going through. It makes me mad that the people that should support you the most (family) are the ones that seem to be the worst critics. I ended up taking the car and driving to a local hiking trail and meeting my best friend there. I opened up to her and told her my whole story of my ED and the incident that happened. She was awesome. She just listened and was not judgmental. I am glad to know that I can also go to her not matter what my problems are. My counselor and I talked about having my whole family come in to one of my appointments so that they can actually see how much I am struggling. I have mentioned it to my mom but I am scared to talk to my brother and dad about it. I can not trust them to take what I say seriously. I am afraid of being judged and laughed at again.
A “good” incident that recently happened was when I was hanging with some guy friends. We had just seen a movie and they were hungry so we went to a local pizza place. I walked in knowing that I would never eat there, but something inside me was saying it is okay just have some pizza. I unfortunately could not get a piece because I was getting my blood drawn the next day and had to fast. Even if I did not eat any pizza just having a positive though about it was a step in the right direction. I also listened to my body today when I was at the gym. Instead of doing my planned 30 minute HIIT after a full body workout I just did a 10 minute HIIT. I did not feel like crap after I did this. I was so happy with myself for listening to my body and treating it right.
The workout I did when I listened to my body!
Tonight my family is having two other families over for dinner. My mom made sure to make food that I would kind of be comfortable eating ,but food that other people would also enjoy. I hope to not worry about what I am eating tonight and just enjoy the company and good food that my mom made all day. This is a challenge that I am going to take on. I am going to start to challenge myself more so that I get out of my comfort zone more. It is what needs to happen in order for ED to disappear. I know it is going to be hard and there will be ups and downs but I am willing to take them on head first. I am determined to change this summer and enjoy the rest of my life.
Happy Sunday loves! I hope your weekends have been fabulous! It is almost summer time!
If you have been reading my blog you will know that I have been struggling with eating and exercising. If you missed it just go back a few posts. I have started seeing a counselor that focuses on ED. Going to counseling is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. It makes me realize how over taken my mind is by ED related thoughts. I have had two appointments so far and I have balled in both. It is such an emotional roller coaster for me. I guess I though I was not so bad, so now I am finally realizing that it is way worse than I thought. I am also realizing I have other issues that I am dealing with besides eating and exercising. Among them is friends, guys, and relationships. Some of these issues string back to when I was in middle school. I have been holding these issues in for so long. I love the counselor I am seeing. I am very comfortable with her and share everything with her. I am not afraid to open up and tell her exactly how I feel. She has shown me how much I am actually struggling and that there is hope for change. I am also planning on seeing a nutritionist who will give me a meal plan to follow. I am so nervous for this but I know it needs to happen. I am ready to break free of this madness inside my head.
Coming home this summer has been the best thing in the world. But, people that have not seen me in a while will say things like “you have gotten very thin”. I have heard these awful words to many times in the past week. To me this would be the equivalent of someone saying to a person with out ED ” you have gotten fat”. It just makes me feel like crap. I know I am thin and I am trying to change it thank you very much! I feel like people are treating me differently. I hate it. When people hug me I feel like they are trying to be gentle, like if they squeeze to hard I will break. I wish people would not judge me. I wish people knew who much I am actually suffering. I have only shared with a few of my really close friends that I have an ED. And endless someone has experienced an ED they still can not fully understand. But, I have been trying not to let people get to me. They just probably don’t know how to handle the situation.
I am so glad that I have finally gone to counseling. This is just one small step into a life of freedom. It will be a hard long journey but I am willing to take it. My life will no longer be defined by my ED. I want this summer to be fun and worry free. I want to be able to go out to dinner with friends and enjoy myself. I will be keeping updates on this throughout the summer. I am naming this summer: The summer of freedom.
Thanks for reading and understanding. If you want to talk about anything I am here for you. I know I am not the only one who struggles. Opening up with issues is the first step to recovering.