This is hard for me to share but I feel like it is something that I need to come out about on my blog. After all this blog is about my life and me. On Instagram I portray my life, but only the good parts and the parts I am okay with. I want people and girls to know that there is so much ore to me. My life is NOT perfect. There is no such thing as perfect. It may seem like I have this whole healthy life style thing down, but that is far from the truth.
I have fallen into a deep dark hole where I think I have to be prefect and everything about my life hast to be. My relationship with food and exercise is not what I want to be or what it should be. It is not a healthy relationship. I know this for a fact. It is an obsession that has overcome my life. I plan my days around my eating and workout schedule. I feel like I no longer have a social life because I cannot go out to a restaurant and enjoy a meal. I find myself not even wanting a to eat a “cheat meal”. I have no desire to eat something that is not healthy for me. I would way rather eat a sweet potato, chicken, and veggies for dinner than a piece of cheesy pizza. If people ask me to go out it either has to be a restaurant I know I like and know the food is healthy. There is the option of just going and sitting with everyone but I feel like everyone is judging me for not eating. This was a big deal for me during my first year in college. All college kids do it seems is party and eat unhealthy. Neither, which I wish participate in. I did not find friends at CU Boulder because of this. I get upset about food. I have gotten better, but it is still bad. I eat the same things almost everyday. Now that I am home I am able to eat a more variety of foods though. I eat strictly by the clock even if I am starving. In the past few weeks I have gotten better and ate something if I am really hungry, but not all the time. I tend to restrict and save up my calories. During the day and am starving throughout the day. Then at night I get so hungry and eat the calories I saved, which is usually a lot and it makes me feel awful about myself. I know that I should probably be eating more with the amount of exercise I do but I am scared to. I know I should eat more healthy fats as well. I eat lunch or breakfast and am hungry in an hour or so, it is awful. I have a My Fitness Pal account that I use everyday. I am obsessed with calorie counting. I wish I would have never started. Even if I do choose to stop in the back of my head I will always know the calorie counts of so many foods.
Now, onto my exercise obsession. I feel like I have to exercise everyday, and burn a certain amount of calories. My day is not complete until I workout. I feel like a failure if I do not. Rest days are basically off limits for me. The only way I will take a rest day is if I have no absolutely have no time to workout. This is never really an issue because I make sure I have time everyday. The last rest day I took was yesterday because I was in the car the whole day on a road trip. I cannot tell you last rest day I had before that. This I am sure negatively affects my body. My sleep is awful. I cannot fall asleep very well and then I wake up most nights 3-4 times a night. Then wake up really early usually around 6:30. I am always starving when I wake up. I will work out even if I feel like crap. This is not the way I should treat my body. I need to listen to it.
There is a part of me that wants to get out of this and get professional help, but unfortunately there is a part of me that loves the control I have and I do not want to lose that. I talked to a counselor the 2nd semester at college and now this summer I am thinking about seeing a nutritionist and talking to a counselor that specializes in disordered eating. My mind is stuck in a black hole. I need to get out of it. There is no way I can live like this for the rest of my life.
Thanks for reading and understanding this.
Have you ever struggled with any of these issues?