Facts about me Part 2- The Ugly

 

This is hard for me to share but I feel like it is something that I need to come out about on my blog. After all this blog is about my life and me. On Instagram I portray my life, but only the good parts and the parts I am okay with. I want people and girls to know that there is so much ore to me. My life is NOT perfect. There is no such thing as perfect. It may seem like I have this whole healthy life style thing down, but that is far from the truth.

 Image Image

I have fallen into a deep dark hole where I think I have to be prefect and everything about my life hast to be.  My relationship with food and exercise is not what I want to be or what it should be. It is not a healthy relationship. I know this for a fact. It is an obsession that has overcome my life. I plan my days around my eating and workout schedule. I feel like I no longer have a social life because I cannot go out to a restaurant and enjoy a meal. I find myself not even wanting a to eat a “cheat meal”. I have no desire to eat something that is not healthy for me. I would way rather eat a sweet potato, chicken, and veggies for dinner than a piece of cheesy pizza. If people ask me to go out it either has to be a restaurant I know I like and know the food is healthy. There is the option of just going and sitting with everyone but I feel like everyone is judging me for not eating. This was a big deal for me during my first year in college. All college kids do it seems is party and eat unhealthy. Neither, which I wish participate in. I did not find friends at CU Boulder because of this. I get upset about food. I have gotten better, but it is still bad. I eat the same things almost everyday. Now that I am home I am able to eat a more variety of foods though. I eat strictly by the clock even if I am starving. In the past few weeks I have gotten better and ate something if I am really hungry, but not all the time. I tend to restrict and save up my calories. During the day and am starving throughout the day. Then at night I get so hungry and eat the calories I saved, which is usually a lot and it makes me feel awful about myself. I know that I should probably be eating more with the amount of exercise I do but I am scared to. I know I should eat more healthy fats as well. I eat lunch or breakfast and am hungry in an hour or so, it is awful. I have a My Fitness Pal account that I use everyday. I am obsessed with calorie counting. I wish I would have never started. Even if I do choose to stop in the back of my head I will always know the calorie counts of so many foods. 

 

Now, onto my exercise obsession. I feel like I have to exercise everyday, and burn a certain amount of calories. My day is not complete until I workout. I feel like a failure if I do not. Rest days are basically off limits for me. The only way I will take a rest day is if I have no absolutely have no time to workout. This is never really an issue because I make sure I have time everyday.  The last rest day I took was yesterday because I was in the car the whole day on a road trip. I cannot tell you last rest day I had before that. This I am sure negatively affects my body. My sleep is awful. I cannot fall asleep very well and then I wake up most nights 3-4 times a night. Then wake up really early usually around 6:30. I am always starving when I wake up.  I will work out even if I feel like crap. This is not the way I should treat my body. I need to listen to it. 

 

There is a part of me that wants to get out of this and get professional help, but unfortunately there is a part of me that loves the control I have and I do not want to lose that. I talked to a counselor the 2nd semester at college and now this summer I am thinking about seeing a nutritionist and talking to a counselor that specializes in disordered eating. My mind is stuck in a black hole. I need to get out of it. There is no way  I can live like this for the rest of my life. 

Thanks for reading and understanding this. 

Questions:

Have you ever struggled with any of these issues?

Any advice? 

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39 thoughts on “Facts about me Part 2- The Ugly

  1. I applaud you for opening up about these issues. To be honest, many many bloggers and just women in general have these same issues. The good news is that you CAN overcome them.

    In the past, I lost about 35 pounds. I was never super fat, but I was chunky. Once I really learned about healthy eating and exercising, calorie counting also became an obsession for me too. I am very perfectionisitc (hence, my blog title). Calorie counting is so not for me, though. Before my wedding, I obsessed about it a ton because I was worried about fitting into my wedding dress. I have had to completely give up calorie counting now. I have tried to use it just to track meals and see WHAT I eat, not how many calories, but it just discourages me instead & makes me obsess.

    What has helped me is realizing that numbers are not created equal, whether they be on the scale or calories of food. I think we like to give numbers the power, but they don’t deserve it. I would urge you to try and stop calorie counting, if at all possible. The obsession does go away if you stop feeing it. Eat when you’re hungry! Don’t ever feel guilty about needing FUEL for your body.

    Also, I can definitely relate about wanting to work out all the time. But since becoming a runner, I find that rest days are just as important to my health as run days. If I don’t rest, I feel like crap on my runs. We should all have at least one rest day a week. And heck, you can even do yoga or stretching or go for a walk if you really need to move still.

    You can get through this. Sending prayers your way.

  2. The only way you will ever be able to overcome this is by seeing someone. I hope you realize that is what needs to be done so you can enjoy your life, or you will probably struggle at your next school too. I know I’ve been there. I didn’t become close with people until I got healthy and became comfortable eating out or eating at different times. Work on it by taking baby steps and know that I am there to talk if you ever want to email me again!

  3. This is so me! I had anorexia and struggled with it for 2 ish years before I finally got help. Girl you don’t want to fall into the hell hole that is close to impossible to climb back out of. I’m still struggling. I have the worst body image. I don’t eat enough and exercise too much. Rest days suck. And my body’s metabolism is ruined. Don’t end up like me PLEASE get help! ❤ don't hesitate to talk to me!

  4. Just wanted to tell you how alike we are…reading that, was like my whole life put into words perfectly. Although I don’t count calories! I as well eat the same things everyday because I’m scared to eat anything else, and I have certain time I eat and if I don’t get to eat then, I’m hangry! I understand about the workout situation, I feel like just any workout makes my day better. If I’m feeling horrible, too bad I have a goal to reach. And about eating out, I cry all the time. My brother, and parents always eat dinner together, but since its not something I made…I don’t eat with them…..and if my parents are in town grabbing food, don’t even think about asking me if I want anything! No! Same with sleep, no matter what time I go to sleep, I wake up at 4:30-5:00 everyday…I wish my body would just rest… But lately I have been talking to my Nana and Mom about everything and they’ve helped me a lot. I use to be scared of carbs but have recently been eating quinoa or rice every once in a while, and peanut butter. Oh no, I was scared of that…but lately I’ve been using an almond butter and have almost used half a jar!!! 🙂 And I try to have a treat meal and rest day every week or a treat meal every two weeks reasons being 1.) I get to spend time with a family that loves me no matter what and I get to rest to get stronger than I was yesterday and 2.) treat meals can boost your metabolism because you aren’t used to so many calories and rest…well I need that. I’m 15 and don’t sleep CLOSE to what I’m supposed too! I know I’m only 15, but I’m here for you!!! We’re going through the something here, and I’m willing to help you as much as I can!!! This journey should be stress free. Not, I can’t eat that, oh it’s my snack time, I have to workout in 2 hours sorry I can’t come watch your concert. We need to have fun!!! We can do this together ❤

  5. Awh girlie ❤ my heart goes out to you. I've been in the exact same place you are once upon a time, and I know that it's hell. (I also know that it can be VERY hard to open up about it and be so honest, so kudos to you for that!)

    Like Melissa said, there are actually quite a few bloggers out there who have struggled with disordered eating in their pasts, and if you REALLY don't want to get professional help, I'd say they're the next best thing. I personally never got professional help, but I did get a lot of help from other sources (parents, close friends, blogging community). I could never have recovered the way I did on my own. But, I can't tell you whether you should get professional help or not–that's for you to decide for yourself.

    After talking to a few bloggers about Intuitive Eating and reading their experiences with it, I realized that maybe there's more to life than counting calories and trying to burn 700 calories a day. Maybe my body can take care of itself.

    Deciding to stop counting calories and giving myself free reign on anything was a SCARY thing. I didn't know what to do with myself. I will also freely admit that I ate more than my fair share of ice cream, desserts, and "unhealthy" food in general in the time following my decision. It's only natural for your body to gorge on those kinds of things when you've been keeping them from it for so long, but eventually, my body realized that it could have those foods whenever it wanted, and it began to crave the healthier foods again (veggies, fruits, etc.).

    I know this sounds too good to be true, and that's what I thought at first when talking to those who have gone through the same things. I promise that if you keep at it, it will happen. I'm always here if you want to talk to someone or get some advice! ❤

    And to wrap up this extraordinarily long comment, here are a few posts that really helped me:
    http://www.aftertheivyleague.com/2013/04/30/how-i-stopped-binge-eating/
    http://www.tinareale.com/binge-eating/ (a series of posts)
    http://adashofmeg.com (lots of posts about intuitive eating)
    http://www.thesmartkitchenblog.com/2013/02/safety-in-numbers-calorie-obsession.html?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=safety-in-numbers-calorie-obsession
    http://www.studioeats.com/dear-body-thank-you-for-taking-on-these-extra-5-pounds

    If you ever, ever need anything, please don't hesitate to reach out to me or anyone else you feel comfortable talking to. Most of us have been where you are now, but the more important thing is that most of us made it through. I have faith that you can too. ❤

  6. so i know how you feel… because i am the same way!! it’s hard to get out of. i love going out to eat but i WONT! and i find myself not enjoying the qualities of life that my friends are enjoying and i wish i could not care and do what everyone else is doing but i just care so much about the food i eat and what i put into my body will do to me. i always have to have time to exercise especially before an important event in my life such as my cousins wedding last week.. i must have worked out like twice a day and ate SO well because i knew i was going to eat bad. i stress over things like this. i’m right there with you!! you have my support and maybe we can find a way to get out of this mess in our heads!!

  7. Aw girl, what a beautiful raw and honest post. I love that. Way to be straight and spoke openly. I can relate all too well to so many of the things you mentioned and commented on. It’s such a vicious cycle and once you start, it quickly takes over and becomes more and more deep rooted. I’d total suggest/recommend going to see someone about it…better now than when it is even more engrained into your lifestyle. Trust me, that will help you in the long run.

    I know just what you mean about the control issue holding you back, but don’t let it. Realize how much you want to truly live your life and be free of guilt if you eat something that is ‘bad’ or for missing a workout. You aren’t truly living when you’re stuck in calorie counting, focusing on what foods you’re going to eat next, how many calories you have to burn at the gym, etc. It’s all consuming and exhausting.

    I’d also recommend to get rid of My Fitness Pal asap. That was one thing I would use religiously and I couldn’t get myself to stop. I had to keep track of every single bite of food I had and every single bit of exercise…then it was a matter of having less calories and fat than the day before, etc. and it got so unhealthy for me.

    The most important thing is to find a healthy balance and sometimes in order to get to that place, you need to reach out and get the help of a professional. Trust me, I know it may feel like you’re weak or giving in, but it takes real strength and courage to ask for help and make these changes. But in the long run, you will live a much happier and more fulfilled life. I have been in therapy for my ED and it has helped me so much. I can’t even describe how far I have come. I still have quite a way to go yet, but I would never erase all that I have done and I am so thankful that I took that first step to going to get help.

    Keep strong, girl and keep your chin up! 🙂

  8. Hayley,
    This was me freshman year. Everything you’re describing sounds so familiar it is almost like déjà vu. I was in the exact same position as you freshman year and it was hard to go out and make friends when everyone was drinking and eating unhealthy. You will get past it though honestly. You have to rememener that there are bigger more important things in life. After my first year I traveled to Europe and I was worried about the food there too and then I realized how ridiculous it was to not see the world over food. Eventually I just kind of got over it. I still like exercising and try to eat healthy but I am not nearly as extreme. Try focusing on something else join clubs talk to boys 🙂 honestly one of my good guy friends helped me get through it. You are seriously so pretty and I don’t want this to ruin your life. I hope I helped a little

  9. I’m not sure how it took me this long to discover your blog (I’ve been following you on Instagram & Twitter for a while) but I’m really, really happy that I did.
    I have so much respect for the fact that you were able to open up about this- I know how difficult it can be. I’ve been exactly where you are right now and I can honestly say that pulling myself out of that hole was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. But it was also the most rewarding. Freeing yourself of the burden to be perfect will change your life because you’ll truly begin LIVING. It’s a process and it takes time but I promise you that it’s worth it.
    50 years from now, when you look back on your life, you’re not going to care about whether or not you got in a solid workout or if you ate the correct number of macros…you won’t even remember. You’re going to remember the time spent with your family and friends…the times when you laughed, the adventures you had, the moments filled with love…That’s what truly matters.
    Like I said, I’ve been through EXACTLY what you’re going through and I’m here to talk if you ever need it. I hope this helped a little bit. ❤

  10. I’ve seen you on instagram and I have always admired your dedication. I feel for you, seriously. I am an 18 year old freshman too. In university this year I always went off to eat alone instead of with my friends/class mates because I didn’t want anyone to judge me on my food choices. I have a serious binging problem. I work out nearly everyday and restrict myself of things I enjoy and it just comes back at me. Stay strong….eat a little more for breakfast and lunch, I find that really helps! Eating egg yolk, avocado and nuts daily will help your crucial healthy fat count. Best of luck to you and you will it in my thoughts. 🙂 xx

  11. Hello beautiful. This is actually my first visit to your blog but I just wanted to say that I (and many others, like in the comments above) completely understand what you’re going through. I was in exactly the same pattern, initially eradicating sugar from my diet, then fat, then carbs… exercising compulsively and counting calories. I ended up anorexic, dropped down to 29kg (I am 173cm tall) and I was hospitalised for three months. I was fed through a tube. My body stopped producing blood cells and I had to have two blood transfusions before it kicked back in. I was eventually released from hospital and endured an up and down battle with the disease for over ten years (from 13 years old to about 25). I thought I wouldn’t be able to conceive children. But you know what? I went to counselling, I had support from my family and my amazing boyfriend (now husband), I refused to give in to the thoughts in my head. It took a very long time, but I am now well, happy, healthy and FREE. I no longer think about calories. I make myself stop. I eat a healthy diet and have treats, I respond to my body and eat frequently for my metabolism. It’s good that you’ve recognised that the pattern you’re in is wrong. Make sure you don’t forget that. You are healthy, beautiful and intelligent. You only have one body and you need to take care of it. You deserve to enjoy your life, and exercise and food are there not only for health, but for enjoyment. Rest days are there to help your body recuperate and recover. Realistically, if you eat healthily you will not put on ANY weight without the exercise. Challenge your thoughts with reality. You’re going to overcome this. Sending you hugs, thoughts and prayers. Don’t hesitate to contact any of us if you need to talk about things further, ok? xxx

  12. I happened to find you on IG, because I too am a health-freak to the extreme!

    I actually just came on your blog to look at some of your recipes and I came across this postI just graduated college, and I finalllyyyy have an appointment with a nutritionist (which I will be seeing in the next couple weeks). I gained some weight during my freshman year, and went completely over-board in restricting calories and exercising like crazy to try to look the way that I wanted to. I am a runner at heart, but during college I’ve had two stress fractures, one which was more serious than the other – which obviously halted my running. I’m definitely eating more than I was, and I allow myself one rest day a week.

    It is such a shame that so many people fall prey to these body image issues! I agree that calorie counting is the worst thing that someone can get into the habit of doing. As long as your diet is clean and you’re not eating a ridiculous amount, your body will adjust. The human body will most definitely tell you when it needs to refuel.That is another break-through for me. Typically I’d be counting down the minutes until my next meal, but if you eat enough during your meals, the 2-3 hours in between won’t feel like torture!

    Also, there is nothing wrong with making time for your workouts! I do the same thing! Planning your day around eating and exercise is just a lifestyle that many adopt. Too much of a good thing though, isn’t always such a good thing.

    I guess my point is that if you have the drive to restrict calories and exercise the way you do, you definitely have it in you to become the person you want to be! Good luck with everything! Have faith 🙂

    • Thank you so much for your words of encouragement it means a lot! That’s awesome that you are making an appointment with a nutritionist! I hope to have one soon too! Did you get the stress fractures from over exercising?

      • I think it was a combination of over-exercising and not eating enough! I was on the XC/T&F team, so I’m sure that my second fracture came from increasing mileage too fast and racing too much after coming back from the more serious fracture.

  13. Yeah I feel exactlu like this lol. One never really knows how much of life deals with food until that individual diets and tries to go to a social event. If I’m invited out I have to research the place I’m going too and I log everything into my fitness pal before hand…. It’s been a mess sometimes but after a year and a half I’m able to do everything in such a way that it supports a healthy lifestyle I feel

  14. Hey
    Some of these comments are really in depth and mine is not so much. But my friend said she read this blog and made her think of me. I tell her a lot of issues that i have with eating and exercising and that realize the issues but cant help myself from continuing down this path. As i read this blog i literally felt like you took all my thoughts about everything and wrote it down. I have almost every single same feeling as you do. I am absolutely obsessed with working out and calorie couting. It has no doubt consumed my whole life and yes I have seen results from it by losing weight but now I am on the verge of being too skinny. Everybody is starting to worry about me now and telling me to stop losing weight but at this point i am not trying to lose weight i am just working out and eating low calories which is what I feel like is my new life. And the weight keeps dropping. I thought I was the only person aroun who was having this issues and feelings about both calorie counting and exercising consuming my life, but it is nice to know I’m not the only one. I wish I had someone like you in my life that i could progress with. I want to try and fix my problem even though my brain is telling me to eat less and workout harder. I feel like i need someone going through the same thing as me who understand who can better themselves with me no matter how hard the challenge. I want to change my thoughts but i feel like i can’t do it alone. Cant wait to hear back from you!

    • I am right here with you! The thing is there are so many people just like us that are going through the same thing they just do not admit it. I was afraid to make a blog post about it, but it felt good to be able to write it all out. There are many people who have gone though this and have made it! I follow a lot of these blogs…and they seem to help. I am determined to get over this! I know I do not want to live like this for the rest of my life. It is not going to be what defines me. We can do this! Let me know it you want to talk or anything else!

      • I would love to talk to you more about what I am going through and what you are going through. I feel like i need someone to understand that I am not alone, but not just someone who I read there blog, But someone i can actually talk to about it so we can progress together because I do want to better myself. I want to fix this issue, even though my head is telling me different.

  15. I just wanted to say thank you for posting this!! I struggle with similar issues especially my relationship with food, I am a little less disciplined and much more of a yo yo dieter I guess you could say. I always see so many young women who seem to be perfect and have everything under control with what they eat and eating clean and it sometimes makes me feel even worse about myself and how out of control my eating habits can be. I exercise every day and I force myself to take a day off even though I hate doing it. Its posts like this that help me realize we are all struggling in our own ways and its never a good idea to compare oneself to another. Anyway, thank you again and good luck finding the right life balance!!

  16. I am so happy you told your story girl! I felt like I was reading my life! I am constantly thinking about food to prep and when to eat or what I can’t eat. My friend will invite me out and I will say no or ignore there call because I say to myself no I can’t because I ate this and that or I ate all my meals for the day or i feel bloated or ill gain weight if i have a drink or two and blah blah. Then the fear of binging while I am with them so I have lost a lot of friends and now don’t really have that problem because nobody invites me anymore lol…. But it’s depressing because I am only 24 I should have a fun exciting life and take adventures and live it to the fullest!!! We are young!!! So I totally can relate to you! But I have learned so much from the past because I have been dealing with this for four years now. And you have to be happy you have to find that balance you have to find your happy medium I can say I have found mine just recently the beginning of this year so i enjoy myself once a week and work hard the other 6 and sometimes it might just be a cheat meal that one day or I will take that whole day and enjoy myself to keep me sane! And I love it and I am happy. This is my life style and I can’t see myself like “normal” people And eat whatever I want whenever I can’t drink all day and party I don’t want feel like crap inside of hungover and disgusting the next day! I like waking up and feeling refreshed at 5 am to get ready and hit the weights it makes me feel productive and not like a bum! And for the sleep you have that problem because you are hungry you need more fuel dont fear food. foiod is fuel feed the muscles they will love you I used to have that problem during my competing days I would wake up every hour to the hour because I was starving!!! Eat girl eat!!! You will sleep like a baby! And for the rest day I always used to feel like if I didn’t workout one day it was going to make a difference or I would gain weight !!! But girl you will be better with a rest day your muscles will recover and grow also you will be pumped refreshed and ready for your next workout!!! It will take time and mistakes but those little bumps down the road will seem horrible you will cry you will feel miserable but one day you will look back and laugh on how you used to be and you will be happy you made all of them and you wont regret it because those mistakes will make you stronger because you will learn from them!!! You will be okay just hang in there and follow your heart listen to your body and enjoy your life girlie!!! I’m here if you need to talk! 🙂

  17. thank you for this post, i needed to read this. i’m struggling to move past this “exercise every day, eat only this” perfection mentality and seeing that other strong people experiencing struggles too is helping me realize that we are stronger than the idea of perfection. bless!

    • Yes it is nice to know that we are not alone! I think a lot of people try and hid it….but I found it almost freeing to let it out. I am looking forward to overcome this! I am here if you ever want to talk girl!

  18. To be completely honest, you definitely seem this way on instagram! But, you are not alone. I am always constantly restricting my foods, and if I have even one bite of something i didn’t plan I feel so guilty!! Same with working out, I always have to burn a certain amount of calories before I am satisfied.. it’s horrible. But I commend you for being so open about this 🙂 btw I’m @babyvfit on instagram :))

  19. Just remember you are not alone! I can relate to everything you said and I applaud you for being so open with your readers. I’ve learned over years of struggling with my ED that being open is the best thing. Many people know what I’ve been through so it makes it easier for them to understand me and why I act or do what I do. It is just learning to love yourself which isn’t always so easy. If you ever need to talk let me know! I am sure both of us can learn from each other!

  20. I know this comment is coming late, but I hope all is going well with your ED recovery. I read that you have gotten a counselor that you’re seeing twice a week and I think that’s wonderful. I wish you all the best in your recovery and hope you are able to live a life of balance and happiness. I’ve never personally experienced an ED but I can imagine how frustrating it can be to live with one.

  21. Hey girl! I can totally relate to this. I used to be right where you are at now. I started recovery in January 2012 and I’ve made so much progress, yet I still struggle with this kind of thought every now and then. I had been suffering from anorexia and b/p cycles for 5 years until I found God. I found Him and His amazing love 🙂 I had always thought I had everything under control, calories, food servings, types of food I was ‘allowed’ to eat, etc. I wasn’t seeing my friends or boyfriend because I preferred staying home, alone, sick and ‘safe’. Food made me nervous, anxious and it literally frightened me.
    I joined a gym August 2012 and for a while I was definitely over exercising. Running on the treadmill for long periods of time in order to burn certain amount of calories that made no sense at all. When I was at the worst I couldn’t feel my legs. It was awful.
    But I finally started getting truly healthy this year (I’m turning 22 in October) and taking real care of myself. EDs are not a joke. They first take over your thoughts, then your hands and the rest of your body and finally your life. I’m glad to hear that you have reached out for help. I’m still battling as hard as I can, but there’s something I can say very proudly: I’ve taken my life back and I won’t let ED take it away from me again 🙂 you can do it girl, keep it up! You’re not a number (I remind myself every day of this), and you are definitely capable of doing whatever you fight for.

    Greetings from Chile,
    Catalina

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